14.06.2019
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
I feel like there are two "me-s" inside of me.
First is filled with depression, sadness, hate, without the courage to live longer.
Second is filled with happiness, euphoria and motivation. This one wants to live so much and always have a solution.
I feel like I'm in a split and I'm torn in those two halves.
I don't know who I am anymore and which part of me is bad and which is good. I don't know if I should hate myself or love myself.
I don't know how to live.
I have mood swings and I'm calling them "attacks". Once, I am sad to the point that I want to die and hurt myself. I lost my motivation, smile and happiness. Basically, I lost my life. And then it changes in 5 minutes to this happy version of myself. I have the motivation, life is beautiful, I can do everything, I can solve my every problem, time heals the pain! I can do this!
I have those swings every day.
My friends told me that I can't hide my feelings. That I can lean on them and tell them everything. That they're here with me to help me and they'll always be here by my side. So I was telling them what I feel in every "attack". I was sending like 20 messages in 5-10 minutes of what I feel. They were replying, helping me and so on. Every time I had an "attack", I was reminding them of how much they mean to me, how much I love them and I'm sorry for being such a mental burden. I was feeling sorry for them that they have to listen to me and my thoughts which I'm stuck with to the end of my life.
And later, when my attack disappears, I was normally texting to them. I was sending them memes, songs, gifs, funny stories and life topics. Basically, normal conversation. I didn't want them to feel like I'm only texting them when I'm sad. I wanted them to know how much they mean to me. I was reminding them that I can lean on me too, I can help them to. We can lean on each other. And I was apologizing every day for just feeling sad because I feel like I'm not allowed to feel this. Like I always have to be happy, wear a smile and have motivation.
I'm not allowed to feel sadness. I'm breaking my friendships because of it. Why?
Because they are telling me that I'm tiring. My sadness is tiring. My feelings are tiring. I need to smile and be every day. They reminded me that I'm not allowed to feel. So I decided to close my feelings inside of me because they are the cause of our disputes. And then, they were angry at me because I wasn't telling them how I feel! So what should I do?! I'm allowed to feel or not?! I'm allowed to tell this or not?! I don't know! It's a paradox!
I decided to test them.
I was tired of writing first, apologizing, wanting to help and being helped, of being ignored sometimes. I wanted to know if they really are my friends and wanted to help me. I closed myself. I stopped writing anything to them. Anything. I went completely silent. I didn't write. A few days passed, so I decided to finally write to them.
They said that I'm tiring and selfish. That I didn't write to them. That I'm focusing on my self.
And oh dear, how many times I said that I love them, that I'm sorry that I'm here for them too, that they can lean on me too, that I want to help too.
But it's my fault and I'm selfish. I'm not allowed to feel, nor sadness or happiness. It'd be better for me if I was a stone. Heartless, cold, feelingless stone. I can't close myself, but I have to close myself. Paradox. So what should I do? Am I wrong? Am I tiring? Am I a bad friend? What did I do wrong?
I'm sorry for being broke, in pain and in a split.
This is a neverending circle. Physical pain is reminding me of mental pain every fucking day. And I can't escape from it. I'm sorry for feeling that way. I'm sorry for being a fucking human and for making mistakes. I'm sorry for losing so many people in my entire life. I'm sorry that I want to die so much!!
This split is getting bigger and bigger and I can't find the solution.
They are telling me that I need to find something that I can lean on, not people, but things. Oh, I have many of those.
It's: BTS, writing, youtube, montage, books, anime, manga, films, serials, music, computer games, eating, sleeping...
The list goes on! And it's not the solution for my problems. They are still here. So what should I do to escape from it? What?!
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