08.10.2022
I'm a mess. My head is a mess. My life has become a mess as well.
I just feel as if I'm loosing myself. I have a chaos in my head but I'm too tired and too scared to unravel it.
I feel like I've become so negative, so toxic and hard to spend time with. But not because that's who I am, but because my problems and my demons grew so strong that they casted a shadow on me.
I want to be positive. I want to be over it, but no matter how hard I've tried - it always comes back.
Maybe because I'm always running away from my thoughts? From "responsibility" of my problems?
I always, every time, I'm running away from that - from myself. I run away to my fantasy world, created by myself. It just feels more attractive, more entertaining than my life.
And I knew, from the very beginning, I knew that it's bad and that it's going to have huge consequences in the future. But I didn't care, I guess. What mattered was "now, this moment", I haven't really thought about the future.
I shut myself down in front of my friends. I don't want to reveal and talk about my mental breakdowns because I feel that I'm just too tiring. That my problems, myself, my worlds, my thoughts... are tiring. Too tiring.
I feel like I'm wasting space, oxygen, somebody's time, my parents' money, life.
For years, I'm circulating over those same things that I can't get over with.
Well, I kind of got over the situation with my leg - I just no longer care. Or I've been so emotionally numb for those past few weeks or months that I "unlearnt" how to care about it. But generally, I don't feel any anger towards it, but I don't feel any sympathy for it either. But the fact that I'm reffering to my leg as "it" and not "my leg" as "the part of me" is telling something different, isn't it? Maybe I just distanted myself so much and got used to it?
But this feeling of "loneliness", that I'm the only person in the world who experiences that, remained. And it's destroying me from the inside.
So many times (I think it started on the beginning of my 1st academic year, and it just became stronger over time), so many times I felt so disconnected from reality. I think it's called derealization. I've done my reasearch about it, I've asked my friends about it, but I still don't know if it's really happening to me or is it something different?
Many, many times, when I was with my friends, I felt disconneted from them - I felt like I'm not a part of it and that I don't fit in. And it happened with my friends from university, my best friend, my parents, my brother and his wife, my gaming-friend group. Basically everyone I know. Huh, it got me now that I really feel disconnected from everyone in my life.
The point is - everyone is going forward. You know, new friends, new relationships, new work. New experiences and even old experiences. For example - when we were drinking together, my friends from university, they started talking about love life, funny situation on parties, first kisses etc. And... I couldn't say anything, because I didn't have that kind of memories at that time. I just didn't.
And then, I felt so behind in life. But I'm not even surprised because I'm sitting in my room all the time, so where could I gain that experience?
But home feels cosy. It feels safe and almost too comfortable. I assosiate going out as a huge pain - because I need to dress up, I need to put on make up (I hate going out without make-up on my face because I just don't like the way my face and my skin problems look. I basically need to look "the best" every time in case someone, even a stranger, looks at me), I need to go to the bus stop and later on, my leg's going to hurt probably or my shoes will be uncomfortable and that will be the only thing my mind will get fixated on. For example - I have a pair of pretty, black winter shoes, they have a small heel. But I totally forgot why I refused to wear them last season - OMG I barely made it to the bus stop, and it's not even that far away from my flat (like 5-8 minutes on foot). I thought that I'm going to trip over my own legs, I needed to focus on muscle tension in my left leg, and let me tell you - it wasn't easy at all. When I was sitting in classroom, listening to the lecture (which was amazing btw.), I was thinking, scared of course, how am I going to come back home? I've had high hopes that one of my friend, Martyna, has a car so she could drive us at least to the shopping mall, but unfortunately she didn't, so here we go again.
Yeah, "I think I'm over it", but I made a whole paragraph about it.
But, I'm not talking about such "small struggles" at all because... It's not a "big deal", right? Plus, myfriends already know about my condition and I've probably already told them about it numerous times, so why should I bother them again. Why should I waste their time and destroy the mood because I'm behaving like a small, lewd child that's saying "oh mommy, it hurts, please do something".
Darling, no one's going to do anything about it, you know that. That's how it's been your whole life. People can listen but they can't relate and that's the whole problem. They don't know how to help you, even your parents don't know how to help you, even doctors didn't know how to help you.
So you're alone with this. And I think that why I'm oversharing so much from my life - because I'm not talking about it on daily basis, and I didn't have the chance to talk about my feelings when I was a child, so when someone decides to listen to me, my mind goes - OMG IT'S TIME TO TELL THEM MY WHOLE LIFE-STORY.
And I feel so bad and guilty for that! I feel cringy also, like... Girl, stop, no one cares that much, especially strangers.
But basically that's the reason why I feel isolated. I sometimes still feel like this little girl who was getting locked up when she was crying. I remember it so vividly, but it makes me so angry that my parents say that it never happened. Yes, because to me, it was super traumatizing, and to them it was just another saturday.
I remember when I was crying, parents used to lock me up in the living room (our living room is made out of two rooms, separated by huge doors, and they used to lock me up in one of those rooms). They were always saying to me "stop crying and come back when you're done". So I had to just shut it down and not talk about it with anyone ever again. It came to the point when, whenever I felt guilty (for example, one time I lighted up a match, out of curiosity, and I felt so scared that my parents will get mad, so I went to this room and locked myself in it by myself).
I also remember having suicidal thoughts when I was like... 7-9 years old? I remember feeling like a burden, especially to my father. I felt like my parents would be better off without me, that all that's happening is my fault - that I'm not kind and obedient enough, that I don't exercise enough, that I'm bitchy, that I'm lazy... I remember thinking what it'd be like to jump off a balcony (I lived on a 4th floor), would I die if I jumped?
Before, I didn't think that it's a big deal, but when I was growing up, it hit me. And it wasn't just a one-time thing. It happened more than once, at least in my head.
Then, after every argument, I was running away to my room. My room became my new "locking room". My father used to say to "go to your room, I don't want to see you cry. Go to your room and come back when you're done behaving like that."
And... I don't remember my mom standing up for me back then. Oh, yes, she's always doing this when I'm not around, and what she's saying to me? "Oh, don't worry, he doesn't mean it, he loves you". Yeah, sure, funny that i've never heard him apologize and say that he loves me. Instead, I've heard that he didn't want me at all and he's never going to apologize for that. But I don't want to get into it, I was thinking too much about it already.
But the most hurtful words my mom has ever said to me? When I did something (I don't remember what, but I was probably like 6-8 years old, I was young), and I came to kitchen to apologize to her (keep in mind that I came downstairs all the way from my room - my locking room where I felt relatively safe there because my father rarely used to go up there), I came to her and apologized, with teary eyes. I really wanted to apologize, not just for the show, I sincerely felt bad and I wanted to make it up to her because I knew that I'm already causing too much trouble for her. And she said that "your worlds don't mean anything because you always do it again, so what's the point of apologizing?".
It struck right through my heart. Omg it hurt so bad... Really, really bad. Especially when that was my mom who said that - someone who's been the only "good person" for me in this household. I felt betrayed by her. I felt like it's happening to me because I'm bad.
And when I was young, I've never understood why I'm different but I knew that I am? I didn't understand the concept of my illness til I was... Maybe in 1st grade? But even then, I've never treated it as I'm treating it now. I kind of "forgot" about it til I was in high school.
But what I'm trying to say - I think I felt different and bad for just who I was. And I think that it remained in me to this day, even if I refuse to believe it, I think that unconsciously, I'm still that little girl because I've never had a chance to work things out, so... How am I supposed to be over it when I'm used to bottling it up for YEARS.
And I'm really trying, ok? I'm trying to be more open to my friends. Especially when I don't have any problems of sharing anything with them - I know they're good people, I know they want to help me, I know they're trying to understand me... I know. And I trust them, but I don't usually reach out to anyone during my mental breakdowns because... I feel like a burden, I feel like a waste. I feel as if I need to deal with it on my own, I need to be strong enough to deal with it on my own because after all, "I'm a psychology student. I'm an adult, right?". Well, I don't believe it that I need to deal with everything just on my own, but it's just... Engraved in my brain. And so far, I don't know how to get rid of that engravement.
Ok, it's going to be random, but I didn't know where to put it so I'm going to write it here - I hate arguments. And I hate even more when I'm the cause of them or I'm somehow involved in it. I know no one's perfect, I know everyone makes mistakes, I know. But I am absolutely TERRIFIED when someone points out my mistakes to me. I'm so scared of that, and that's why I always lower my head like the loser I am or accept the "compromise" or admit that I'm guilty, so that no one will have to point out my wrongdoings. I think that it's my biggest fear of all time. I think that it's also related to me being afraid of losing someone close to me? Because, if they see my mistake, it means that they'll stop liking me, right? (My God, I'm so fucked up).
But I don't blame anyone for it - my friends, of course cause my father is the reason of all of it and I will never change my mind on this subject. He was my father, they were my parents and I was just a child. Let me remind you - a child that was paralized, traumatized from going from one doctor to another. They fucked up as my parents and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive them. And I'm not going to lower my head this time, even if it means losing contact with my stupid fucking father later on - even better - be stuck in this hole, be this little fucking boy, be just like your mother, oh I wish you that so much - end up like your own mother, but remind yourself of how disgusted and angry you feel when you think of her, I wish you all that stupid fucker, but I am going to get over it someday and thrive and you will die with it. I don't even know if you fear God, but if He exists, I hope so much that the judement day will come and He will show you everything that you've done. I may sound like a bad person now, but I want to see you cry, I want to see you suffer like I did. I want all this, everything from all these years, to come back to you with the power of the meteor. Oh, this satisfaction. Oh, I'd be SO FUCKING HAPPY!
And FUCK YOU, whoever says that "it's bad to wish someone bad things". You've never been there, you haven't experience what I did. And the fact that he's not apologetic for it even in one bit makes me SO FUCKING MAD! And if I'm going to end up in hell for it, so be it. Let's burn and feel the extasy of pain when it slowly goes away.
Ah, I love this quote "Why do you want to burn this world to the ground? Because I can."
God... Dad. That's how I used to call it when I was younger. I remember receiving a letter from you, when I was preparing for my confirmation (now it lies under my bed in my hometown lol), and you said there... That I'm your child, your daughter. That you know everything about me and regardless of what I'd do, you'll still love me no matter what. That you're waiting for me and one day, when I'll join your side, you're going to throw the biggest feast Heaven has ever known (just like Odin and Valhalla which sounded so cool to me back then). That letter... Let's be clear, even tho I know they were gathered fragments and just glued together to make it make sense, I know that you haven't wrote it yourself... But I needed that so much as a growing, teenage, broken soul. I was so fucked up, so broken, that I found comfort in this letter everytime I felt bad and worthless. You were the dad I've always wanted, just from reading this one letter. So, even that "we" are not close right now, I still hope that you'll forgive me for wanting my father to suffer. You said that you'll love me regardless, right?
I'm only willing to forgive him, or at least not want him to suffer, when he'll truly, sincerely apologize to me. Extra credit for kneeling down before me, but I know that's never gonna happen.
But back to what i was trying to say - I don't blame my friends for any of that, of my feelings. If you're reading this, my friend, know that I love you. I do care about you. I'm just so caught up in my own problems and my own chaos that I can't "take care of you" and be there for you the way I'd want to. But I really do love you. I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I want the best for you. And thank you, for bearing to spend time with me, even tho I'm super negative, vulnerable and easily offended or hurt right now. Thank you for existing and not leaving me. I'm not exagerrating that (I'm even crying while writing this one particular sentence, even tho I haven't cried this whole time), you are the best "thing" that has ever happend to me. I'm living the best moments of my life with you. Even when I feel detached sometimes, drinking with you, talking about nothing or sex only, laughing, talking about other people... Or spending time with you, especially driving with you, my best friend, around our province - our home, where we met, where we began this journey. You really live up to your name because you're full of "journeys", you brought "Przygoda" to my life. You made my life a journey - a rollercoaster, to be fair, but OH BOI I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS AND I DO WANT TO GO TO ENERGYLANDIA AGAIN SOMEDAY. The fear before the ride, then you go up in this wagon and the way your heart and breath stops when it goes down rapidly. But the adrenaline, the satisfaction afterwards. Even tho, you were afraid at the beginning, after the first ride, after every ride, it's always "I want to do it again". And I think it describes our relationship very well. You're afraid of rollercoasters - that's why you didn't want to go to energylandia with me, and it corelates with your fear of tomorrow (or at least I think you fear that). Every rollercoaster has it's "ups and downs", but it still makes me want to go there again, even if I almost puked one time.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm writing this, but I thought that writing this will comfort me a little. Or at least, organize a little bit the chaos and mess that I have right now in my head. And well, I feel slightly better, but let's be honest, it's not going to fix everything. I know I need therapy, but the situation is more complicated that it seems - time, money, fear... But I don't want to think about it right now. I will go to therapy someday, I promise. Someday.
Right now, as I'm writing this, I'm listening to metallica's "nothing else matters".
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